December 28, 2012

Dear Guys Who Stole My Laptop (and all my other cool stuff):

Hey guys.  I haven't seen you around since that one exciting night - the first time we met - so I thought I'd write you all a letter.  I'm hoping that you'll find my blog and read this letter as you browse the internet on your new Lenovo ThinkPad laptop.  I also posted on Craigslist in the Strictly Platonic section ("Down-to-earth guys in orange disintegrating John Cena shirts, heavily armed - m4mmmm"), just in case.

The ThinkPad is a sweet piece of machinery that, in my opinion, trumps all other non-Mac laptops.  I know, I know, you were probably hoping for a Mac when you robbed me of my yuppie shoulder bag, but I'm just not that kinda guy.  I think you'll find that the ThinkPad is a worthy brand of laptop.  I've been loyal to the ThinkPad since my days as an IBM employee, where I was first issued one and have never since looked back (please note that IBM sold its ThinkPad division to Lenovo, a Chinese company, but I can promise you that Lenovo has maintained the same standards of quality with the product.  But I digress.).

You'll be happy to find a solid list of bookmarks in the internet browser, including BBC World News (to keep you informed on current events), Sharebuilder (not sure if you're into the whole online trading thing), LinkedIn (connect with me!), Facebook (friend me!), and TED (in case you're in the mood for some intellectual stimulation), among others.

Also, I have a copy of my resume on there.  I was wondering if you could send that to me.  If you have the time, give her a look through.  You can use the 'comments' function and track changes if you notice any inconsistencies or have good ideas for action verbs and formatting.  I know, I know, it's over a page, but at my age it's hard to minimize all that professional experience.  You know what I mean.

Oh!  That reminds me.  I haven't defragged my (I mean your) computer in, like, months.  Sorry!  It'll probably take a couple hours :( but I'm sure you'll find it'll run much smoother afterwards and is worth the wait.  Also, I haven't renewed my (I mean your) Norton Antivirus.  You should get on that.

I just added loads of music to my iTunes, so you're in for a treat!  There's, like, 1000 songs on there.  Everything from Metallica to Thelonious Monk to Blackalicious.  So, whether you're trying to figure out that annoying VLOOKUP function on Excel, or debating whether to buy that yummy-looking REIT on your online brokerage account, you will find a tune that suits the occasion perfectly. For example, I find that Gucci Mane's "I'm the Shit, Bitch" goes well with fussing over your Roth IRA portfolio, while anything by Static-X goes perfectly with, say, blogging about your country.  Be creative and enjoy!

As I write this, I realize that I'm probably inundating you with to-dos.  Maybe this would be easier to do in person?  I think so.  Why don't we do brunch at Kaleta tomorrow around 10ish (their eggs florentine is to die for!).  If you've forgotten what I look like, I'll be the rundown-looking American dude with a baseball bat, waiting for you in the bakery.

See you tomorrow and happy holidays!

Your humble volunteer,

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